Protecting my bleeding heart

I am so vulnerable right now it's insane. I didn't want to write this down because I really don't want people knowing what's inside my head and scare people away. So here's a disclaimer before you read on.

DISCLAIMER: The rest of this entry can be triggering, if so please refrain from reading. Thanks

I can't make these flashbacks stop. I can't forget the multiple times I was molested when I was younger and to see that someone that was admitted that looks just like the man who molested me - it's been hellish. I've been headed in a downward spiral ever since. I want to go home and leave this place - but I can't knowing in my gut that I'm not ready. When I leave here I want it to be for good. I want to have no doubt in my mind that I'm ok. And right now I just know it's too early for me to leave.

People can't understand what I'm going through unless you've been molested and raped as I have throughout the years. I disconnect from the world not even knowing I do it. And the memories keep replaying in my head like a broken record. And the memories make me feel so vulnerable and scared. I don't know how much longer I can hang on. But I know I need to do it for my husband who has stood by me all this time. I cannot bear the thought of how much it would hurt him if I took my life. I can't bear the thought of hurting him and so I must live with the memories and the flashbacks everyday hoping that one day they will finally go away.

That's all for now...