I get it now!

Another night has gone by filled with another nightmare. I woke up with my eyes open looking around our room filled with strange writings written in blood. I blinked my eyes several times to figure out whether or not I was dreaming or not, and I could feel my eyelashes on my face and realized I was awake and saw the writing turn into beautiful patterns that were simply written in red. I woke up Ryan and told him I was having another nightmare. And as he woke up from a deep relaxing sleep, he told me he would hold me tight. I then grabbed Charity who was also sleeping from a deep relaxing slumber and I held her in my arms as Ryan was holding me.

I'm now awake and realized what I had dreamt earlier and again it was filled with darkness. But as I sit here typing on my laptop I realized that I was glad I was awake. And I was glad I just got up out of bed.


But I see this experience totally different now. I had prayed for God to lay things simple for me. Just like the pastor had said to pray when I asked him when I was at the State for three weeks. When I realized where I was at and realized I was at the bottom, I asked him 'How am I supposed to know what to do?' He said that God sends us different signs and just ask him to 'make your way plain' as plain as day.

So in this dream I know that when good things happen - that's God's way and when bad things happen - that's just plain evil

So I feel God in Ryan's embrace tonight, I feel God in little Charity as I feel her soft fur as I embrace her. And I hear God as I hear the birds chirping at 430 in the morning. And I see God turn those writings I saw into beautiful patterns that are simply written in red. God makes those bad things - into beautiful unscary things. Because the free will he had given me I used to pray to make my way plain. And now I see it. I know that when good things happen - that's God's way and when bad things happen - that's just plain evil. I now realize that it's as simple as that. Can't believe it took me two fucking years to figure that out. Crap - Sorry God I know i gotta work on my swearing. Sorry yet again....

One Obnoxious Poem

I am a big fan of Ricky Martin
I wonder what it would be like to be his lover

I hear the alarm clock and realize that I'm dreaming
I think it must be ok cause it's just a feeling

I thought it was Ricky and his cold wintry hands cupping my face
But then I realized it was the cool breeze from the open window that was freezing the fucking place

In that dream I felt he hugged me so tight
But if it was reality I would seriously dry hump his leg with all my might

Set aside my odd sense of humor that's just a mask
To hide the pain inside and stay present day to day is such a daunting task

To you my sorority sisters you are my family
You must dream You must believe
You must believe until your dream is your reality

I am a Robin

I am a robin and this is my tree
Way up in the sky rests my nest - so free

One day they will hatch and leave me all alone
And my nest will be empty except for a few stones

I repeat the process once it is spring again
I wish I could open up and share with my husband - my best friend

I am a robin and this is my tree
I am a robin and this is my story

Protecting my bleeding heart

I am so vulnerable right now it's insane. I didn't want to write this down because I really don't want people knowing what's inside my head and scare people away. So here's a disclaimer before you read on.

DISCLAIMER: The rest of this entry can be triggering, if so please refrain from reading. Thanks

I can't make these flashbacks stop. I can't forget the multiple times I was molested when I was younger and to see that someone that was admitted that looks just like the man who molested me - it's been hellish. I've been headed in a downward spiral ever since. I want to go home and leave this place - but I can't knowing in my gut that I'm not ready. When I leave here I want it to be for good. I want to have no doubt in my mind that I'm ok. And right now I just know it's too early for me to leave.

People can't understand what I'm going through unless you've been molested and raped as I have throughout the years. I disconnect from the world not even knowing I do it. And the memories keep replaying in my head like a broken record. And the memories make me feel so vulnerable and scared. I don't know how much longer I can hang on. But I know I need to do it for my husband who has stood by me all this time. I cannot bear the thought of how much it would hurt him if I took my life. I can't bear the thought of hurting him and so I must live with the memories and the flashbacks everyday hoping that one day they will finally go away.

That's all for now...