Some Random Thought...

4:35 am

That's the time the alarm clock went off this morning. I barely could get the motiviation to get up. I always have a sick feeling when I get up in the morning when I head to work.

Almost like a panic attack. Not that I know what a panic attack feels like. But just a feeling of dread and wanting to quit work.

I think of the things I need to do, what meetings to attend, what emails to write. And then the sick feeling comes up almost immediately.

I have to really concentrate and think of one good thing just so I can get out of bed. It sounds stupid but it's true. Something as simple as, a new shower gel I bought from Bath and Body Works. This is what motivates me get out of bed most of the time. Now that I think of it, is shower gel the only reason why I get up to go to work ? Pathetic.

Anyhow, I gotta get my ass moving. I only have 10 minutes to get ready. Besides, I am looking forward to that new shower gel 'Tranquility Mint' to help me relax this Monday morning. I hope this stuff works.

A Letter to Wes

Wes -

I know you are gone. And I hope wherever you are in heaven you can read this. Ryan misses you dearly. He wrote an email to you when he found out the news. I'm not sure why he did this and neither did he. He stares at his sent folder and looks at the email he sent to you.

I think he thinks you may responsd to him.

Last night we had talked all night. All about you. Just Ryan and I sitting in our kitchen just talking about the memories we've shared with you.

I wish you were here. I wish you were here to help Ryan through this. But you can't and it hurts me to see Ryan miss you so much. He wants to know where you are. And so do I. Can you hear me ? Can you hear us cry for you ? Can you hear us laugh when we think about the jokes you guys used to share about your treadmill ?

I miss you. We miss you. Ryan misses you so much it hurts.

The tears can't stop flowing and my heart feels like its about to burst. How did this happen ? You were suppossed to help me plan Ryan's next surprise party. Remember ? You were suppossed to be the godfather of our children. Remember ? We were suppossed to tell you that we love you. That Ryan and I would be lost without you. Remember ?

But of course since I never told you that, so I guess you would've never known.

How am I suppossed to help Ryan ? Wes, you were the only one that I would've called to help me. What am I suppossed to do ? Why aren't you here ? Why aren't you there at home to pick up the phone ? Why is your house empty ?

Where are you ?